The Internet guide to being right, all of the time

You know, a lot of people come up to me and say “Phil, you’re a funny guy” to which I say “oh, no really, I’m that funny”. And still they insist on telling me “no, you really are a funny guy, let me buy you a drink” to which I say, “no, really, I’m not that funny. Dry martini, no ice, just an olive”. I find I can usually stretch this out long enough to get myself pissed, fed and Blown (cheer’s skinner) before I finally admit that yes, I’m a funny guy. And modest with it to. So here’s my guide to always being right on The Internet.

1) Appear confident
Always go into a fight with the belief that you’ll win. No one likes a back peddler and if you don’t know the answer, make sure everyone thinks you do. And if everyone knows you really don’t know the answer, what the hell are you doing getting into the argument?

2) Back statements with facts
Try and get some life experience. Wake up in bed with a phillipino ladyboy, get arrested for exposing yourself to passing dignitaries, laugh at a guy with an Afro hanging out of a tree or poke a midget. Personally myself I like to catch the bus and sit on the top deck, simply because of the varied amount of fucked up stuff you can see, which is why when I make a statement like “no, really, you can’t holding a can of petrol, light a cigarette and try to screw the lid on at the same time” I know its true.

3) Be Witty
Read some Oscar wilde. I can’t make you a funny person, but he can. Keeps it all light hearted, throw in a few jokes, remember comedy is a great leveller. As in it’ll help you floor whoever your arguing with

4) Never use Foul Language
Using bad language in an Argument on the Internet is the equivalent of the beads of sweat breaking on the lotto rapist’s forehead as he’s interviewed by the police. It says, “I know I’m loosing, I know im Wrong”. Always keep your cool, no matter how infuriating the person your talking to be, or how much they swear. For a perfect example of this look at Jackie Chan, he doesn’t swear, and he defeats everyone he meets, even the people he likes. And Especially the people who swear at him. .

5) Keep the Paragraphs down to a minimum
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If that’s the case I should cut my eyes out, because I don’t want to read 1000 words. People switch off after about 25, giving you the impression that you’re winning when you’re not, which is bad. So keep the paragraphs down to a minimum, it keeps things like Barbara Strisands nose, clear, smooth and to the point.

6) Know when to give up
Know when to pick your battles. If all else fails, call them a cock and log off. Unless you’re arguing with Jackie Chan cause believe me, that makes him really pissed. And he knows where you live.

-- Phil