Phoning in Sick
Sick notes are and always will be a very important part of our lives. Some companies give prizes such as the P45 award for the most creative use of these.
I have, in my time, used many excuses to allow me to sleep off last night’s excess, but in the addled mess that is the 8:30am phone call, I have made mistakes and even repeated the same excuse on numerous occasions.
The aim of this page is to allow us to be more creative and convincing in these excuses.
Please add more to the list below and if you can tips on pulling them off.
Illness
I cant come into work today, I have a really dodgy stomach.
A classic, no-one will wish to ask you for more detail.
Infact if you offer detail they seem keen to get of the line and leave you to your
skiving.
You can use phrases like:
You don't want to know what colour my shit's been.
Think it was that curry. Opened the sluices at both ends.
Lou says:
Can't come in to work
I'm covered in orange sick
And it isn't mine
Best done with a croaky voice. The most convincing way to achieve this effect is to chain smoke 40
Marlboro’s the night before.
Which you probably did, Just after the
Tequila. Right?
Also when/if you return to work take a pack of cough sweets for added effect
An unusual twist on this familiar theme would be:
My dog has been sick all over the house and I really have to clean it up.
Family Issues
we're burying my mother today, i'll try to come in for the afternoon. Yes again, we cocked up the first time.
Family issues are good ones to use. Dont worry too much about the credibility, and keep the trauma factor high. The more fucked up you're likely to be, the more of a cunt they are when they ask y ou to prove it. this worked in my final year at university. twice.
Similarly:
I have personal problems.
As witnessed on Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm, no one ever queries you if you say "it's personal". This works a treat!
Transport Issues
My car won't start.
This is always a good one, unless you usually take the bus/walk/cycle.
My car feels sluggish, the lights are going dim, and "the yellow alt light has come on, on my dashboard"
These are the exact symptoms of a dying alternator, which mean car no workie. Time for a beer, hurrah!
Reasons You'd Just love to use
I cant come into work today, I'm doing obscene things to my managers daughter.
this one works best with background sounds.
Ideally, to get the full effect you must persuade the
bosses daughter let you do obscene things to her, while your on the phone.
My favorite vegetable is the cu
cumber
Additional Reasons
I can't come in to work today as I am lost in a maze.
always a good one that I would love to use
I can't come to work today as I have contracted Hep B During sex with a prositiute.
thankfully not 1 I have had to use
I cannot come to work today as I went out last night and have woken up in France
based on same principle as Maze.
Also See:
Phoning in Late
There are no comments on this page. [Add comment]